When You Lose What You’re Carrying
Micah and Sierra Lawson are a part of our Lead Team at Church Eleven32. They are devoted to their families and each other, and are constantly seeking to share the love of God with others in their daily lives. During the Fall of 2015 found out that their family was growing and they were going to have a baby! When tragedy came and took what was dearest to them, Micah and Sierra turned to God, and waited patiently for God to reveal His goodness in the midst of their pain. In the end, God always wins. Here is their story:
“Have you ever wanted something so bad, received it and then lost it? Ever since I was a little girl I could not wait to become a wife and mom! I married the most amazing man in September 2012 and I dreamed of the day we would start a family.
On September 18th 2015 that dream came true! Micah just left for a mission trip to Haiti the day before and Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and for the first time I was carrying something greater than myself – a baby! Micah flew back from Haiti on Monday September 21st, which happened to be our 3rd anniversary, so I surprised him at the airport. As soon as we got home (longest car ride ever!) I told him that I was pregnant!
We immediately started talking and planning on how we were going to tell our family! We were so excited! We found out that our baby was due on May 22nd – Micah’s birthday. The whole thing could not have been more perfect! Then, a week later on Monday, September 28th, I was at work and knew something was wrong. I found my boss and told her I thought I was miscarrying and needed to leave. She grabbed my hands and prayed for me and the baby right there. I can’t describe what that meant to me. Looking back, I would say the absolute worst part about this moment was that none of our family knew because we hadn’t told them yet. We were still planning our surprise. We only had a couple of people praying for us.
Micah and I went to the doctor a few hours later, I took some tests and then we went home and waited until the next day for the nurse to call me with my results. That was a very long night. Micah was optimistic, but I just knew—I felt empty. The next morning the nurse called me and told me that my HCG levels were significantly low – level 15. She asked me to come back in for another blood test to make sure my levels were dropping before saying it was a definite miscarriage. Wednesday afternoon I got the phone call, my levels were now a 9. I was miscarrying. I called Micah and told him that I had lost the baby. I sat in my bathroom and cried for hours. My heart was broken.
For the first time I lost something that I was carrying. I was 5 weeks pregnant and all the pregnancy symptoms I was having were slowly going away. I cried out to God in a way I had never cried before. I pleaded with God for this all to be a dream and to wake me up. But it wasn’t a dream. It was over and our baby was gone. That weekend we told our family what happened and promised to tell them right away when we got pregnant the next time. They felt awful and hated that we were alone in this. Here is her story:
Some things I learned through this experience:
1. 1 in 10 women miscarry. That’s a lot of women who have gone through this very thing. I had no idea how common it was. There was nothing wrong with me and I didn’t do anything wrong. This was NOT my fault and there was nothing I could have done differently.
2. Tragedy does something to a marriage. It will either grow you and your spouse closer or tear you apart. Micah and I have never been as close as we are now. We survived our first tragedy and we did it together. Our experiences were different but we loved hard through it. Through this we have very special memories and moments that only the two of us share. I saw a side of my husband that I hadn’t seen before. He was broken yet strong, he was upset yet supportive, he was scared yet encouraging, he was everything I could have needed.
3. God doesn’t cause bad but He does use it for good. I’ll be honest, I was really upset with God. But He still loved me through it. He never left my side. He was in my bathroom while I wept. He was waiting for me when I couldn’t sleep at night, He was wiping my tears every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman. He was there, the whole time. God reminded me that He never breaks His promises. So I had a necklace made that had “promise” engraved on it and I wore it every day to remind myself that God gave me the dream to be a mom and He would make sure that it happened. God is faithful.
We all have a story and this was now a part of mine. This part of my story was not meant to be a secret, it was meant to be shared. God is good. God is faithful. God is triumphant. I am writing this while being 23 weeks pregnant. November of 2015 I became pregnant for the 2nd time. Yes, there were many days I was scared that I would miscarry again… But here I am in my 2nd trimester and I feel great! Our baby girl is due August 2016 and we are naming her Athens May Lawson. We want her middle name to be May because that is when our first baby was due. We don’t want to forget our first baby and we want to remember her/him fondly. So we decided to include May in our baby’s name.
I know many women who have suffered loss. Some like mine and some greater than mine. I’m honored that they have shared their stories with me. Those women gave me strength and I’m so grateful for their willingness to share their stories. Thank you for reading this and feel free to talk to me about it anytime.”
“God always shines brightest in our brokenness. While He can be glorified in life’s peaks, He is most glorified in our brokenness because we’re reminded of His steadfast love, His enduring faithfulness, and what it looks like to trust His sovereignty in situations we flat-out don’t understand.”
Have a story to tell? Contact our offices we would love to help you share your story and God’s grace with the world!